What's wrong?

Something is hurting my baby. Or atleast, I think so. I believe she has reflux. But at her two month check up her ped said that's just how babies are. I don't believe babies cry this much. She coughs alot during her bottle, and gets a lot of stomach cramps and her poop is two different shades of green with some yellow seed-like things in it. This is not normal. And I'm tired of people calling my baby a crybaby because she isn't always like that. Or atleast she useto not be. She does spend most of her days crying/fussing. It's hard, so hard, to work full time and come home to such a fussy baby. I think I should take her to the doctor. But what are they gubna say? To wait it out again. I can't, I just can't sit back and watch her go through that. She's my little girl, of course I want her as happy as can be.
Two nights ago was the first night since Emma was 2 weeks(she's 16wks now) that she wanted to sleep in bed with me. It was the only way she'd sleep. Cuddled up against me. I enjoyed it actually. I love my baby and I don't mind caring to her needs right when she needs it. Does that mean I spoil her? Not even. She's a BABY. I chose to have her, so no, I won't just let her cry. Peoplesayshes learned to USE me because I tend to her right away. My question: how can a baby possibly know how to USE someone? Ridiculous. All she knows is she needs me and she needs me NOW. And I know I'm her mother and I'm going to take care of her, regardless of what people say.

So our computer is still down. I actually like it better because angel spent hours on the computer at night and now he cuddles with me. I love to cuddle :) also, our princess has a little cold. Stuffy nose and a small cough. I'm going to take her to the doctors on Monday because this has happened four times already so maybe it's not really ever going away? I don't want Otto be something more serious and I'm not doing anything about it. You can never be too sure what's going on in the tiny body of a baby. Today we are heading to Bakersfield to visit the other set of grandparents. And it's angels sisters daughters birthday. With the baby being sick I kind of don't want to go anymore but I know angel really wants to because that's his family. I don't have a problem with Bakersfield itself, it's having to stay with his mom. It's soo awkward, I wish we had our own place out there already. Oh! My baby will be 16 weeks this Monday. What the heck?? Where did the time go??? She's getting so big, but I'm getting a lot of pictures!

It's such a bummer when my computer is down. It took a poop and will cost $100 to fix and of course I don't have that money up front. Oh well. I'm currently on my iPod touch. Hope everyone is doing amazing :)

Family.

My Brother, Anthony.

I wish things didnt change. He was my best friend. He was the only person I looked up to. I always listened to him. I wanted to be just like him. I was proud to say he was my brother. He was always on my side, even when I was wrong. He protected me from everyone, and everything. Especially our dad. He tried hard to blind me of the things my dad was doing when he left home. I was his younger sister. He felt the need to protect me, and I always needed him to. Just thinking about him, makes me want to cry. He was absolutely everything to me. The closest a brother and sister could be. I told him everything about my life. Sometimes he got angry at the choices I made and sometimes he didnt. But he always supported me and told me when I should stop seeing someone, or doing something. & like I mentioned, I ALWAYS listened. I had to, I wanted to. I never wanted to disappoint him. I wanted him to be proud of me like I was proud of him.... & then I got pregnant. I disapppinted him. He knew the goals I had for myself, and he and I seen them crashing down. He was so upset, and hurt. He said I could of done better with my life, and had babies later. This is the most I've disappointed him. But like the big brother he was, he forgave me- and accepted my new baby on the way. He accepted Angel and told me everything would be okay. That he would always be there if I needed anything. So, maybe I should dig further back to middle school. I introduced him to my then best friend, and they "fell in love." I always accepted it because I always wanted to b involved. That was 6 years ago, and their still together. My brother has broken up with her twice though for about 6-9 months each. But he always ran back. He was scared of being like my dad. He was scared of hurting her like my dad hurt my mom. He loved her too much. Because he thought he had to. He still thinks he has to. Hes stuck. & my heart hurts for him... So, since I've told him my honest truth about their relationship, finally. He wasnt talked to me. This is the longest we've gone without talking. Its been about 2 weeks.

If I could only express how much I miss him. How much I really need him in my life. I cant do this without him....

Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

I want him to be close to my daughter. The one time shes seen him, she lit up. Just like I do when I see him.

He's my big brother.

Learning.

19 things I've learned in 19 years.

1. Don't expect anything, from anyone.

2. You don't know what will happen tomorrow, so enjoy today.

3. Love, even when hating is so easy.

4. Stay colorful.

5. Enjoy the little things.

6. Stay true to yourself.

7. Don't spend money off of impulse.

8. Music can heal the soul.

9.Your first love will probabley not be your last love.

10. Cry when you have to.

11. Enjoy your life, even when you're not getting everything you want.

12. Study, Study, Study. School is worth it.

13. Just Believe.

14. Take atleast 5 minutes everyday for yourself.

15. Don't take your anger out on other people.

16. Tell the people in your life you love them everyday.

17. Have the courage to admit when your wrong.

18. But, Stand up for what you believe in.

19. Being in love, is, truely amazing.

Life.

Who would want to look at these faces everyday?



I would.

Love.

This is Angel. My Boyfriend. My Best Friend. My Future Husband. My Soulmate. The Person I tell everything to. The Person who saved me from myself. The person who knows me the best. The only person to know everything about me. He walked into my life at such an odd time. My worst time. It was definatley bad timing. But he accepted me for everything I appeared to be. And let me tell you, it wasnt great. I wasnt great. He looked passed my dysfunctional family, my cheating ways, my ignorant thoughts, my broken heart, and my worthless soul- and loved every little piece left of me. He took time to listen, to HEAR, and to put back together the girl he knew I could be again. He saved me. I never thought he would. I never expected him to. I didnt expect anything actually, from what I had already went through. I thought this would be another fling, another boy who just wants to use me for my body. I thought it was just going to be sex. And man, he was so so so so much more than that. For the first time, he wanted to wait to have sex. He wanted to know me first. He wanted to be with me first. He wanted to love me first. I've never met such an amazing man. You know the old saying 'a daddy is the only man who won't break your heart' .? Well, my dad was the person to break my heart. And Angel was everything I thought men couldnt be. I mean, I thought SOMEDAY-maybe-in 10-20 years, I'd finally, possibly meet someone worth while. Someone who truly deeply cared for me. But no, our fate had different plans for us. Fate knew I needed him now. & they let me have him. I look forward to being with him forever. I look forward to expanding our little family.

I look forward to loving him the rest of his life.

Milestones.

Baby Emma finally rolled from her belly to her back yesterday. I was so so excited. Reading on babycenter, those ladies always make me feel like Emma is so far behind. One lady even said her 3 month old is starting to crawl. I think, thats kind of scary. I wouldnt want to look down and see Emma crawling. I enjoy having her rely on mommy and daddy. And I plan on tending to her as long as she needs me to. But, like I said, I was still so excited to see her roll over. Because she HATES tummy time. It is not her favorite thing in her small world. But we manage to get in atleast 1 minute everyday in hopes of getting some progress out of that. I'm still such a new mom getting so excited over the smallest of things.



Ugh, work; today. :[

14 weeks.

My precious baby girl is 14 weeks old today. I can't believe its been 14 weeks. 14, long, sometimes hard, loving weeks. Today I gave her a taste of bananas with a spoon. She kept wanting more but I stopped, because I still wanted her to finish her whole bottle, because I know thats where she gets all her noutrients. Also, on a good note, she slept in her crib last night from 9pm-1am. Had a 6oz bottle, then from 1:30am-7am. I was SHOCKED! I kept saying that it couldnt be that easy. Theres no way it can be that easy. But, it was that easy! I'm so happy I've followed her lead, let her do what makes her happy and what makes her comfortable. and now the shes transitioned herself to her crib. Shes just amazing.

Simply, amazing.

New blogging friends?

I need some blogging friends. I love to blog, but no one follows me. haha. so I joined The Ultimate Blog Party!
I'm supposed to post something on my blog for them, but I cant figure out how to make it work. So I'll post the link to their page.

http://www.5minutesformom.com/19667/ultimate-blog-party-2010/


I'm still really unsure about how it works, But I'm up for anything. :]

Sacrafices.

There is so much more to being a mother, than just feeding and putting your baby to sleep. I never 'planned' on having a baby at age 19. But fate had a different plan for my life. & Im so thankful for it. I wanted to go to school to get my License in Vocational Nursing. Then after a few years expierence, I wanted to go back to school to become a Registered Nurse. & then have babies. That was my plan. Until I met Angel..... I had a 'serious' boyfriend before I met Angel. We lasted 5 1/2 years. I know, what was I thinking? I was so young, too young for something like that. He was so mean, just generally. Not just to me, to everyone. I was stupid. Thats the best word to describe it- stupid. stupid. stupid. He hurt me in ways I couldnt even begin to describe. years, and years and years. Finally, when I worked up the courage to leave, he made sure I felt very worthless. And I did. I felt ugly. Inside & out. So of course, I let another boy take advantage of me. & then one random day, Angel walks into the front door....literally. Just by looking at him, you can see that he's different. Covered in tattoo's. A sleeve, his neck, his chest, his legs... everywhere, really. I was fasinated. Who was he? Where did he come from? ... soon to find out he lived 3 hours away. So we were just friends.... We talked everyday for 2 months for hours. Sometimes all day. About everything. He shared his life with me, so I soon shared mine with him. I loved the person he was. The man he was. Two years older than me. That was the biggest difference between him and anyother guy I had ever truly layed my eyes on- He was mature. He took care of himself. He respected me. He cared for me deeper than any other male in my life. He came back to visit, one thing led to the next..... We decided we'd really love to pursue a relationship together. We just fit together. We compliment eachother. He moved where I live to be with me. That was a huge step. & then one more thing led to the other... &; I was pregnant. I mean, we were excited. A baby. I knew Angel was good to me, and I was good to him. But wait, I'm only 18....? He's only 20..? Are we ready for this?? Ready, whether we wanted to be or not. Soon we found out it was a girl. After that we named her Emma Grace. (Grace After my Grandma Grace, not after me.) & then soon after that, she made her debut. A beautiful girl. Looks almost excatly like Angel. I made jokes "If I wasnt there when she came out of me, I'd say she wasnt mine!" Because thats how much she looked more like her dad, than her momma. & thats okay, shes the most cutest thing I've ever seen..
But of course, the sacrafices... I had to put my whole life on hold to care for her. To be there for her 24/7 like she wanted me to be. I had a couple weeks after delivering her that were hard for me. I was crying about everything, but I was still right there for her. Not one second behind. I wondered how other mothers could leave their child. How can you look at something so innocent and decide they were a mistake, that you didnt want them anymore? I couldnt imagine.
My friends stopped talking to me because they didnt want to hang out with someone who had a baby on their hip. Sometimes, I felt so alone. But I'd look at her, and she'd smile. & I knew it was worth it. I made her, I gave her life. And I'm going to make her life worth it.
I stopped going out, even just out to dinner was a tough task with a newborn. & even though shes 3 months already, shes put herself on this neat little schedule, we can't be out when its time for her to nap- or else shes MAD. & thats okay too, I know this will pass and I'd rather enjoy it before she doesnt want to nap anymore. Before shes running away from me in stores. Before she can order off a menu at restuarant.
I don't know when we're going to have another one. So I'd rather take in, and love, Emma right now for who she is, and what she is.

She is the best thing to ever happen to me.
I will be a good momma to her.

Crib Sleeping

I KNOW- whats the big deal about this picture? well, its my babygirl sleeping in her crib. :] she's never ever ever slept in her crib before. She refuses refuses refuses. Also, she never ever falls asleep on my chest, well today I rocked her while she was on my chest, with her head on my shoulder- and she fell asleep! so I was like, I'm gunna put her in her crib....see what happens... and shes been asleep in there for 25 mins now! I'm so excited!!!! PROGRESS... its always about progress....

Back Track

Since I didnt have this when I had my daughter, I thought I could look back and post my birth story. By the picture, you could see; I had a c-section. I feel like I've been robbed of my 'perfect vaginal delivery.' But I guess that was just a fantasy in my mind, because my doctor had different plans. I made it all the way to 39 weeks, 6 days. So one day before my due date, I went to my doctor apt at 11:30am. My blood pressure was high so the doctor was going to send me to get blood work at the hospital, and he said "maybe we will have to perform a csection while we're there" so I go home, because the hospital is full, and the call me in at 2:30pm. I get my blood work done and they say everything is fine, my blood pressure is no longer elevated. They did an ultra sound and said my baby was measuring very large and my cervix was titled backwards. He said it was be a VERY hard delivery and he'd opt for a csection. Being a first time mom, I trusted my doctor and went with his plans. I was wheeled into the surgery room at 6:25pm, Emma Grace was born at 6:46pm. It was a surreal expierence. I could feel everything, yet nothing hurt. Unlike anything i'd ever expierenced. I guess Emma wasnt breathing very well when they pulled her out via vacuum because her head was so big, so I didnt even get to see my baby girl until 11:50pm- almost midnight! I stayed up all night the first time because I didnt want to be apart from her. I felt like they were going to take her again and never bring her back. They say recovery time in the hospital after c section is 3 to 4 days, well i was released after 1 day. & that was fine. It took a good solid 2 weeks to get back to feeling like my normal self again, though. I had a case of the Post Partum Blues. I cried over everything and anything. I didnt want to be around ANYONE, except my baby and my boyfriend. Whenever anyone else tried talking to me, I wanted nothing to do with them. But that passed after about 2 1/2 weeks. And now I've just been adjusting to life with a baby. A young 19 year old mother, 21 year old father, and a precious 3 month old little baby girl.

my precious little girl, Emma Grace, was born January 4th, 2010.
Shes currently 3 months and 5 days old.

I got pregnant at 18 years old, after only dating my
boyfriend Angel for 4 months. We've made it through,
and now we couldn't be happier.

We've committed ourselves to our child and couldn't imagine our life without her.