It confuses me.

I came acrossed a really sad blog today. It was a women, she had 6 children. One of who recently passed away on December 12th. A heavy book shelf fell on him, and it killed him. He was only three. I don't understand why innocent little babies have to be taken away from their families like that. I don't know what I would do if something were to ever happen to Emma. How could I live without her? I wouldn't even want to try. Sometime when Emma is being really crabby, I think to myself that if I could put her back in my womb for the day, a couple days, that would be great. I know, that sounds silly, and now I feel stupid. Some mothers lose their babies forever to honest mistakes, & I still get to watch Emma run around, and shes healthy. I just want to hug all these mommies who have to live everyday without their children. I just don't understand.

My little girl is getting big.

& she gives kisses like there's no tomorrow.

Day 07 - A person you should say sorry to

i'm not sure if "should:" is the right word. But I have always felt like I need to say sorry to my dad. Even though, I know he was the one to screw up and stray from our family - I'm old enough now to get over it. I've never really treating him with respect since I found out what he had done, but I'm 20 now, its time to grow up and move on.

04: Someone you'd give your life for.

This one is very easy. Theres two people that comes to my mind right off the bat. Its probably really easy to guess who: Angel & Emma.
Angel; because, I know that he would be able to take care of Emma better than I would. Like, if something were to happen, and one of us were to die or be killed- I'd hope it would be me. & to be completely honest, I'm not sure if I could handle life without him. I'm not sure if I could be there for Emma 100% if I knew everyday for the rest of my life I wouldnt wake up to Angel being there. & financially; he could make more money than I can. And thats important for a couple who has a child together.
& Emma. Thats obvious. I wouldnt even think twice. If it came down to her life or mine, her's comes first. Always. Forever. She deserves a chance at something amazing, not for it to be cut short. I'd give up everything for her.

11 Months

Happy 11 Months to my big girl.

Emma - If momma could tell you how much I love you, I would. But, I can't. Theres just no way that I can describe it. Still to this day, I look at you and I'm in 'awe'. You're beautiful, you're smart, your smile lights up your entire face - & I created you. With daddies help, of course. You're a good girl, and we're drawn to eachother. I can't explain it- but in a room full of people, you can spot me out and race to me as fast as you're able to crawl. It melts my heart, princess. Mommy is young, but even if mommy was older - it wouldnt change my love for you. I wouldn't love you more, because theres no way I can love you more than I do today. My life is about you, Emma. I will always be here to listen to you, even if its just to cry.

04: A Song That Makes You Sad

Lets see... There are a few songs that make me sad. When they come on I'm brought-en back to a place where my mind shouldn't be. Right now I'm thinking; Pink- Who Knew. For reasons, I'm not going to speak of.

03: A Song That Makes You Happy

Hmm... The first song that comes to my mind is Martina McBride- In my Daughters eyes. I guess thats pretty self explanitory. Its no secret that Emma is basically my entire life. That everything I do is usually revolved around her. So, any song that acknowledges that makes me incrediably happy.

02: Least Favorite Song

This one is pretty tough for me, too. Mm... Least favorite song... Right now I'd have to say its ANY song that they way way way over play on the radio. They kill the song and then it just annoys the heck out of me. Right now, I'm thinking of a song called G6 - I don't even know who sings it. But that dumbass song plays like every 3 minutes on the radio. Sometimes on 3 stations at the same time. Its so annoying on my way to school and on my way home. They should make new music, atleast, weekly so they can avoid doing that. It kills the song and the whole group as a whole.

Walking by Christmas?

Picture, Update.

01: Favorite Song

This is a tough one. My favorite song changes often. So, right now it would have to be 'What Do You Want From Me - Jerrod Niemann.' I guess because I can relate to it so well. I'm not exactly sure or how, but as soon as I heard it- I loved it. I felt like it was coming from me, as dumb as that sounds.

Blogging= Vent?

Its come to my attention that I don't blog anymore. So, I'm going to start. & I'm going to start with a Blog Challenge.

Day 01 - Your favorite song
Day 02 - Your least favorite song
Day 03 - A song that makes you happy
Day 04 - A song that makes you sad
Day 05 - A song that reminds you of someone
Day 06 - A person you'd give your life for
Day 07 - A person you should say sorry to
Day 08 - A day you felt angry
Day 09 - A day you felt sad
Day 10 - A day you will never forget
Day 11 - Tell me about your best friend
Day 12 - Tell me about your mother
Day 13 - What is your guilty pleasure
Day 14 - A song that no one would expect you to love
Day 15 - A song that describes you
Day 16 - Tell me about the person you're thinking about
Day 17 - How do you feel today
Day 18 - Your favorite food
Day 19 -The worst break up you ever had
Day 20 - Tell me about when you're happiest
Day 21 - Tell me about when you're most sad
Day 22 - A song that makes you think of the past
Day 23 - A song that you want to play at your wedding
Day 24 - A song that you want to play at your funeral
Day 25 - List your greatest fears
Day 26 - Something you've accomplished
Day 27 - Who do you love the most
Day 28 - A song that makes you feel guilty
Day 29 - Your favorite TV show
Day 30 - Who were you this time last year

Pool Time.

Emma, Angel and I all had so much fun at the pool today. The water was perfect.

my girl is getting so big. Shes growing into her own little person, and it kind of makes me sad. I'm glad getting the baby number 2 itch! I want a little boy. But I knw we're not ready, so im smart enough not to try. We're going to bakersfield on sunday evening, and moving into our apartment Monday morning. we have an appointment at 9am to sign the lease and pick up the keys.

Other than that good news, the rest is all bad news. My family has all of a sudden come forward saying they dont like angel. He controls me. ? But when I ask for one excample of a time where we made me do something I didnt want to do, of course they cant come up with it. Its really hurting me because my family is all ive ever had, before I found angel. Hes good to us, he takes care of me and emma. I'm in love with this man. I'm going to marry him.

My family is the very out spoken type. angel is the quiet, stick to himself type. And I think that plays a huge roll in this. They want him to open up to them, but why would he? their mean to him. I just cant believe this is happening. angel and emma are my family now. They come first.

But, still, its making me so sad.

Its been a long while.

I'm using my moms computer right now, because we currently dont have internet, so I'm usually getting on with my phone.

Everything is going okay. We got an apartment in bakersfield, arvin. I'm nervous for this change in my life but I know I have to atleast try. For Emmas sake. She deserves the best, on top of whats the best for me. She comes first now. So, I will try, and I hav a feeling ill have to try really hard.

Emma ia going great! Shes 7 months and 1 week old. Shes crawling and getting into everything! Shes weighing in at 22pounds. my big girl! i love her to pieces. She brings such happiness to my life, I just couldnt imagine it without her. I think I was born to be a mother. I just looked over, and she woke up fromher nap with the biggest smile. It doesnt get any better than this.

I'll try to keep on updateing, but its hard on my phone. We should have internet soon, though.

Its complicated.

We spent the weekend at Angels moms house. It was fun, although i'm ready to have our own place over there because i just dont like staying at peoples houses. I didnt mind it so much pre-baby, but now that we have Emma- its just easier to be at a place where all her stuff is. Where shes comfortable. & i know his family doesnt understand, they don't try to. But shes my baby, I know whats best for her, and i'm going to continue doing what i do because i'm a great mother- and if everyone needs to see where only where their coming from; then thats on them.

i can not excatly tell you how many times i've heard "Why arent her ears pierced?" and "she'll like it better if you do it now." and "why are you waiting, thats crazy!" ONE SENTENCE: SHES MY DAUGHTER. BACK OFF. you're grown now, YOUR kids are grown, you raised them the way that made you happy, Now i'll raise my daughter the way i'd like. Something tells me she won't completely hate me when shes 3 and realizes her ears arent pierced. geez.

& another thing, SHES NOT FAT. shes 5 months and barely doubled her birth weight. she weighed 9lbs3oz at birth. Shes going to be a slightly bigger baby, but that doesnt give anyone the right to say shes fat. Ses normal, & healthy. I couldnt be more proud. Someone even said today that she had cottage cheese. Wow. I coulda freaked, but I try to be respectful, even though some other people don't even try.

Man, that was a bit of an angry rant. :/

So I got another tattoo this past friday. It says ANGEL and its on my lower forearm. I really like the font, and it looks nice where its placed. I serioulsy would of never belieced anyone 2.5 years ago if they said i'd have a baby, be madly in love and getting ready to move out. I'd probably call them crazy. Yes, this was not my plan. It was actually the complete opposite. But fate took brought us together, and my heart begged me to stay. It was the best decision of my life. Angel is so good to me, I dont think I would of found anyone as good as him. & even if there is someone else, their definitly not as good looking :] & without Emma, I wouldnt be as happy. Yes, angel&I have our bad days, and on those days I just look at my baby and I am reminded that I love Angel & I love love love our little girl.

I dont know if i've mentioned it before, but shes sitting up by herself now. When I put her on her tummy, it doesnt even look like shes close to crawling. But it seems like it all happens over night with her, literally. one night she wakes up 5 times to eat, the next night- sleeping 10 hrs straight. one day she cant sit for the life of her, the next day all she wants to do is sit. one day shes eating 4 oz every 2 hrs- the next day 6 oz every 3-4 hrs.

Shes simply amazing.

Computer.

Our computer has finally gotten up and running. Its about time. A lot has happened. Emma learned to sit on her own. But if she gets too excited, she falls over. But I'm happy with the progress shes made. She'll be 20 weeks old tomorrow. Where has the time gone? I cant believe how big shes gotten. Its still so unreal to me. They say mid-pregnancy, you get over the shock that your going to have a baby. & now all through my pregnancy, my baby is almost 5 months old, and I'm still not over it. It still amazes me every single day when I look at her. I'm actually so proud of myself for being such a great mother. I know people had doubts in me. I'm only 19. But- I'm a great mother. I do the absolute best that I can. Right now shes in her swing, sucking on her ducks ear, slowly falling asleep.

So, its offical. We will be moving to bakersfield the end of July/beginning of Aug. Sometimes its scry for me to think about, but I know it has to be done. & its better to get it done now. While Emma is still young. & we will come back before she starts kindergarden. Because I want her to go to school here. It'll work out, I know it will.

blackberry

I'm posting from my phone. We still don't have a computer charger, we just ordered one off ebay though so hopefully ill be uploading recent pictures of my little princess. Well emma will be 19 weeks on monday. I still can't believe it. I look at her and I'm just like wow... Your mine. I still remind myself everyday when I wake up to her talking to herself every morning. I'm working full time now and to say the least: I hate it. Its so much time away from her and I'm just tired. Tired, tired, tired. I feel like I work all day, everyday. And even when I don't work, they call me to work. I just hate it. Only a little less than two months till I don't have to anymore cuz we will be moving to bakersfield.
So emma got her 4 month shots today and she had her first fever. It was 101.7 but of course... I was at work. :(
I'm so sad for her. She's just doing this soft wimper with her bottom lip out like something just hurts.. I hate to see her hurting. I gave her some ibprofin. And now she's trying to sleep. I can hear her tossing and turning. :( my poor baby.

What's wrong?

Something is hurting my baby. Or atleast, I think so. I believe she has reflux. But at her two month check up her ped said that's just how babies are. I don't believe babies cry this much. She coughs alot during her bottle, and gets a lot of stomach cramps and her poop is two different shades of green with some yellow seed-like things in it. This is not normal. And I'm tired of people calling my baby a crybaby because she isn't always like that. Or atleast she useto not be. She does spend most of her days crying/fussing. It's hard, so hard, to work full time and come home to such a fussy baby. I think I should take her to the doctor. But what are they gubna say? To wait it out again. I can't, I just can't sit back and watch her go through that. She's my little girl, of course I want her as happy as can be.
Two nights ago was the first night since Emma was 2 weeks(she's 16wks now) that she wanted to sleep in bed with me. It was the only way she'd sleep. Cuddled up against me. I enjoyed it actually. I love my baby and I don't mind caring to her needs right when she needs it. Does that mean I spoil her? Not even. She's a BABY. I chose to have her, so no, I won't just let her cry. Peoplesayshes learned to USE me because I tend to her right away. My question: how can a baby possibly know how to USE someone? Ridiculous. All she knows is she needs me and she needs me NOW. And I know I'm her mother and I'm going to take care of her, regardless of what people say.

So our computer is still down. I actually like it better because angel spent hours on the computer at night and now he cuddles with me. I love to cuddle :) also, our princess has a little cold. Stuffy nose and a small cough. I'm going to take her to the doctors on Monday because this has happened four times already so maybe it's not really ever going away? I don't want Otto be something more serious and I'm not doing anything about it. You can never be too sure what's going on in the tiny body of a baby. Today we are heading to Bakersfield to visit the other set of grandparents. And it's angels sisters daughters birthday. With the baby being sick I kind of don't want to go anymore but I know angel really wants to because that's his family. I don't have a problem with Bakersfield itself, it's having to stay with his mom. It's soo awkward, I wish we had our own place out there already. Oh! My baby will be 16 weeks this Monday. What the heck?? Where did the time go??? She's getting so big, but I'm getting a lot of pictures!

It's such a bummer when my computer is down. It took a poop and will cost $100 to fix and of course I don't have that money up front. Oh well. I'm currently on my iPod touch. Hope everyone is doing amazing :)

Family.

My Brother, Anthony.

I wish things didnt change. He was my best friend. He was the only person I looked up to. I always listened to him. I wanted to be just like him. I was proud to say he was my brother. He was always on my side, even when I was wrong. He protected me from everyone, and everything. Especially our dad. He tried hard to blind me of the things my dad was doing when he left home. I was his younger sister. He felt the need to protect me, and I always needed him to. Just thinking about him, makes me want to cry. He was absolutely everything to me. The closest a brother and sister could be. I told him everything about my life. Sometimes he got angry at the choices I made and sometimes he didnt. But he always supported me and told me when I should stop seeing someone, or doing something. & like I mentioned, I ALWAYS listened. I had to, I wanted to. I never wanted to disappoint him. I wanted him to be proud of me like I was proud of him.... & then I got pregnant. I disapppinted him. He knew the goals I had for myself, and he and I seen them crashing down. He was so upset, and hurt. He said I could of done better with my life, and had babies later. This is the most I've disappointed him. But like the big brother he was, he forgave me- and accepted my new baby on the way. He accepted Angel and told me everything would be okay. That he would always be there if I needed anything. So, maybe I should dig further back to middle school. I introduced him to my then best friend, and they "fell in love." I always accepted it because I always wanted to b involved. That was 6 years ago, and their still together. My brother has broken up with her twice though for about 6-9 months each. But he always ran back. He was scared of being like my dad. He was scared of hurting her like my dad hurt my mom. He loved her too much. Because he thought he had to. He still thinks he has to. Hes stuck. & my heart hurts for him... So, since I've told him my honest truth about their relationship, finally. He wasnt talked to me. This is the longest we've gone without talking. Its been about 2 weeks.

If I could only express how much I miss him. How much I really need him in my life. I cant do this without him....

Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

I want him to be close to my daughter. The one time shes seen him, she lit up. Just like I do when I see him.

He's my big brother.

Learning.

19 things I've learned in 19 years.

1. Don't expect anything, from anyone.

2. You don't know what will happen tomorrow, so enjoy today.

3. Love, even when hating is so easy.

4. Stay colorful.

5. Enjoy the little things.

6. Stay true to yourself.

7. Don't spend money off of impulse.

8. Music can heal the soul.

9.Your first love will probabley not be your last love.

10. Cry when you have to.

11. Enjoy your life, even when you're not getting everything you want.

12. Study, Study, Study. School is worth it.

13. Just Believe.

14. Take atleast 5 minutes everyday for yourself.

15. Don't take your anger out on other people.

16. Tell the people in your life you love them everyday.

17. Have the courage to admit when your wrong.

18. But, Stand up for what you believe in.

19. Being in love, is, truely amazing.

Life.

Who would want to look at these faces everyday?



I would.

Love.

This is Angel. My Boyfriend. My Best Friend. My Future Husband. My Soulmate. The Person I tell everything to. The Person who saved me from myself. The person who knows me the best. The only person to know everything about me. He walked into my life at such an odd time. My worst time. It was definatley bad timing. But he accepted me for everything I appeared to be. And let me tell you, it wasnt great. I wasnt great. He looked passed my dysfunctional family, my cheating ways, my ignorant thoughts, my broken heart, and my worthless soul- and loved every little piece left of me. He took time to listen, to HEAR, and to put back together the girl he knew I could be again. He saved me. I never thought he would. I never expected him to. I didnt expect anything actually, from what I had already went through. I thought this would be another fling, another boy who just wants to use me for my body. I thought it was just going to be sex. And man, he was so so so so much more than that. For the first time, he wanted to wait to have sex. He wanted to know me first. He wanted to be with me first. He wanted to love me first. I've never met such an amazing man. You know the old saying 'a daddy is the only man who won't break your heart' .? Well, my dad was the person to break my heart. And Angel was everything I thought men couldnt be. I mean, I thought SOMEDAY-maybe-in 10-20 years, I'd finally, possibly meet someone worth while. Someone who truly deeply cared for me. But no, our fate had different plans for us. Fate knew I needed him now. & they let me have him. I look forward to being with him forever. I look forward to expanding our little family.

I look forward to loving him the rest of his life.

Milestones.

Baby Emma finally rolled from her belly to her back yesterday. I was so so excited. Reading on babycenter, those ladies always make me feel like Emma is so far behind. One lady even said her 3 month old is starting to crawl. I think, thats kind of scary. I wouldnt want to look down and see Emma crawling. I enjoy having her rely on mommy and daddy. And I plan on tending to her as long as she needs me to. But, like I said, I was still so excited to see her roll over. Because she HATES tummy time. It is not her favorite thing in her small world. But we manage to get in atleast 1 minute everyday in hopes of getting some progress out of that. I'm still such a new mom getting so excited over the smallest of things.



Ugh, work; today. :[

14 weeks.

My precious baby girl is 14 weeks old today. I can't believe its been 14 weeks. 14, long, sometimes hard, loving weeks. Today I gave her a taste of bananas with a spoon. She kept wanting more but I stopped, because I still wanted her to finish her whole bottle, because I know thats where she gets all her noutrients. Also, on a good note, she slept in her crib last night from 9pm-1am. Had a 6oz bottle, then from 1:30am-7am. I was SHOCKED! I kept saying that it couldnt be that easy. Theres no way it can be that easy. But, it was that easy! I'm so happy I've followed her lead, let her do what makes her happy and what makes her comfortable. and now the shes transitioned herself to her crib. Shes just amazing.

Simply, amazing.

New blogging friends?

I need some blogging friends. I love to blog, but no one follows me. haha. so I joined The Ultimate Blog Party!
I'm supposed to post something on my blog for them, but I cant figure out how to make it work. So I'll post the link to their page.

http://www.5minutesformom.com/19667/ultimate-blog-party-2010/


I'm still really unsure about how it works, But I'm up for anything. :]

Sacrafices.

There is so much more to being a mother, than just feeding and putting your baby to sleep. I never 'planned' on having a baby at age 19. But fate had a different plan for my life. & Im so thankful for it. I wanted to go to school to get my License in Vocational Nursing. Then after a few years expierence, I wanted to go back to school to become a Registered Nurse. & then have babies. That was my plan. Until I met Angel..... I had a 'serious' boyfriend before I met Angel. We lasted 5 1/2 years. I know, what was I thinking? I was so young, too young for something like that. He was so mean, just generally. Not just to me, to everyone. I was stupid. Thats the best word to describe it- stupid. stupid. stupid. He hurt me in ways I couldnt even begin to describe. years, and years and years. Finally, when I worked up the courage to leave, he made sure I felt very worthless. And I did. I felt ugly. Inside & out. So of course, I let another boy take advantage of me. & then one random day, Angel walks into the front door....literally. Just by looking at him, you can see that he's different. Covered in tattoo's. A sleeve, his neck, his chest, his legs... everywhere, really. I was fasinated. Who was he? Where did he come from? ... soon to find out he lived 3 hours away. So we were just friends.... We talked everyday for 2 months for hours. Sometimes all day. About everything. He shared his life with me, so I soon shared mine with him. I loved the person he was. The man he was. Two years older than me. That was the biggest difference between him and anyother guy I had ever truly layed my eyes on- He was mature. He took care of himself. He respected me. He cared for me deeper than any other male in my life. He came back to visit, one thing led to the next..... We decided we'd really love to pursue a relationship together. We just fit together. We compliment eachother. He moved where I live to be with me. That was a huge step. & then one more thing led to the other... &; I was pregnant. I mean, we were excited. A baby. I knew Angel was good to me, and I was good to him. But wait, I'm only 18....? He's only 20..? Are we ready for this?? Ready, whether we wanted to be or not. Soon we found out it was a girl. After that we named her Emma Grace. (Grace After my Grandma Grace, not after me.) & then soon after that, she made her debut. A beautiful girl. Looks almost excatly like Angel. I made jokes "If I wasnt there when she came out of me, I'd say she wasnt mine!" Because thats how much she looked more like her dad, than her momma. & thats okay, shes the most cutest thing I've ever seen..
But of course, the sacrafices... I had to put my whole life on hold to care for her. To be there for her 24/7 like she wanted me to be. I had a couple weeks after delivering her that were hard for me. I was crying about everything, but I was still right there for her. Not one second behind. I wondered how other mothers could leave their child. How can you look at something so innocent and decide they were a mistake, that you didnt want them anymore? I couldnt imagine.
My friends stopped talking to me because they didnt want to hang out with someone who had a baby on their hip. Sometimes, I felt so alone. But I'd look at her, and she'd smile. & I knew it was worth it. I made her, I gave her life. And I'm going to make her life worth it.
I stopped going out, even just out to dinner was a tough task with a newborn. & even though shes 3 months already, shes put herself on this neat little schedule, we can't be out when its time for her to nap- or else shes MAD. & thats okay too, I know this will pass and I'd rather enjoy it before she doesnt want to nap anymore. Before shes running away from me in stores. Before she can order off a menu at restuarant.
I don't know when we're going to have another one. So I'd rather take in, and love, Emma right now for who she is, and what she is.

She is the best thing to ever happen to me.
I will be a good momma to her.

Crib Sleeping

I KNOW- whats the big deal about this picture? well, its my babygirl sleeping in her crib. :] she's never ever ever slept in her crib before. She refuses refuses refuses. Also, she never ever falls asleep on my chest, well today I rocked her while she was on my chest, with her head on my shoulder- and she fell asleep! so I was like, I'm gunna put her in her crib....see what happens... and shes been asleep in there for 25 mins now! I'm so excited!!!! PROGRESS... its always about progress....

Back Track

Since I didnt have this when I had my daughter, I thought I could look back and post my birth story. By the picture, you could see; I had a c-section. I feel like I've been robbed of my 'perfect vaginal delivery.' But I guess that was just a fantasy in my mind, because my doctor had different plans. I made it all the way to 39 weeks, 6 days. So one day before my due date, I went to my doctor apt at 11:30am. My blood pressure was high so the doctor was going to send me to get blood work at the hospital, and he said "maybe we will have to perform a csection while we're there" so I go home, because the hospital is full, and the call me in at 2:30pm. I get my blood work done and they say everything is fine, my blood pressure is no longer elevated. They did an ultra sound and said my baby was measuring very large and my cervix was titled backwards. He said it was be a VERY hard delivery and he'd opt for a csection. Being a first time mom, I trusted my doctor and went with his plans. I was wheeled into the surgery room at 6:25pm, Emma Grace was born at 6:46pm. It was a surreal expierence. I could feel everything, yet nothing hurt. Unlike anything i'd ever expierenced. I guess Emma wasnt breathing very well when they pulled her out via vacuum because her head was so big, so I didnt even get to see my baby girl until 11:50pm- almost midnight! I stayed up all night the first time because I didnt want to be apart from her. I felt like they were going to take her again and never bring her back. They say recovery time in the hospital after c section is 3 to 4 days, well i was released after 1 day. & that was fine. It took a good solid 2 weeks to get back to feeling like my normal self again, though. I had a case of the Post Partum Blues. I cried over everything and anything. I didnt want to be around ANYONE, except my baby and my boyfriend. Whenever anyone else tried talking to me, I wanted nothing to do with them. But that passed after about 2 1/2 weeks. And now I've just been adjusting to life with a baby. A young 19 year old mother, 21 year old father, and a precious 3 month old little baby girl.

my precious little girl, Emma Grace, was born January 4th, 2010.
Shes currently 3 months and 5 days old.

I got pregnant at 18 years old, after only dating my
boyfriend Angel for 4 months. We've made it through,
and now we couldn't be happier.

We've committed ourselves to our child and couldn't imagine our life without her.